In making this decision to end the slow march of cancer, I’ve had to separate so many factors that it required talking with various people. Carrying the kind of guilt I have for so long has to be a factor removed from the discussion at all costs. While this is going to be a selfish act, I am trying to make it a selfless act as well.
I’m not sure how to make that part work. The lawyer has said a few things, but he has also admitted that having known each other since we were teenagers colors his opinions on this topic. The therapist has had her chance to chime in as well. That has been about the absolute weight of my emotions that curl my shoulders and strain my legs most days.
It’s easy to plan for what becomes of your things. Who gets what and who gets told they get nothing. [sorry I have an aunt who would clean my house out before the body was cold.] But the emotions that go into that are tough. Some items mean a great deal to me and finding them a new home with someone who might also grow to understand that can be draining.
Strangely I have a teddy bear that will go up in smoke with the rest of me because that has been the pattern for the others who have the matching 5 other bears. Odd since they are all handmade and I still know where each of the others are.
There’s a drawer full of letters. All sealed and signed across the back so no person opens another’s without their consent. It has taken time to write them. Not a single one out of spite or anger. I’ve done my best to only talk about funny or meaningful stories. No reason to add weight to their journey.
I have even written a draft on this blog that eventually will get posted. I won’t be the person pushing any buttons that day, but I’m a planner and a few people here need to hear how much I have enjoyed their writing.
My nightmares come from dealing with a few of the ladies in my life. My mother, other mother Kathy, my niece and the two she has brought into my life to help get me through the days. I saw what happened to the first three when we had to say goodbye to my daughter. Family grieves differently than those reading my words. I’ve spent a lifetime protecting them and I would give everything to protect them from what comes next.
It’s not like my father or brother aren’t going to be bothered, that’s not my point. But they handle things so quietly I couldn’t tell you what they are going to do.
Like a few posts, I’m not sure of what the point has been. My emotions are at times very difficult to get a handle on. I’m confused about how to handle a few people and experiences. That female who keeps knocking on the door asking what she can do has asked to be there. For all of it, damn the laws. But really who goes after someone who sat in a chair while another person drank a very medicated milkshake?
Maybe tomorrow we can talk about the road trip to get ice cream? That sounds like more fun. Especially since we ‘re letting a 15 year old drive part of the backroads!