Just push play. Stop staring at your phone and hit the button and let’s get this over with. You’re going to need every bit of emotion out of you for what comes next. Let the joy and sorrow, the pain and the memories wash over you for a few minutes. Take the smiles or tears and let them escape, because sitting down and deciding what comes next needs to be rational, emotionless if possible.
Exactly 364 days ago I was taken somewhat by force to the hospital. Another one of those cancer things that everyone worries about and dreads having to deal with. My blood had become a poison onto itself and I didn’t realize it. The doctor’s didn’t understand for another 24 hours because I was just talking gibberish. Out came the paperwork, that set of directives that when I was mostly rational I chose a course of action. The problem was the person who was supposed to make the decisions didn’t, or wouldn’t. Maybe she just couldn’t? Doesn’t matter, it just made the process longer and more exciting since I technically didn’t have a proxy any longer.
I time bombed the paperwork later so that I could make sure that everything was being handled the right way. Or at least my way. So today I have to finalize the new paperwork. Going back over how I want to live and how I wish to die. Thus the music. A track I knew was going to absolutely leave me a wreck and make me quiver just from the title flashing on the screen. The headphones covering my entire skull [I don’t care for those earbud junk you get with too many devices. Thus old-school cans that cover my ears and envelop my senses].
There nothing fun about this process. Over the last year things have not been handled in a way I always want. I left too much leeway in case someone changed her mind and wanted to help. My parents are doing their absolute best to understand my choices, even leaving the room when I can see on their face they disagree or want to argue a different point of view. But now I have to chose the right person to chose for me.
What conditions will be acceptable? How long will I be willing to tolerate other circumstances? All simple questions until you are forced to actually put them on a piece of paper. It’s no longer some “talk” between family, it’s a binding legal document that leaves no room for discussion.
My mother fought the distribution of some of my things. Her viewpoint is valid, things can always change. Maybe I should hold on to my stuff until later. Nothing like bringing in more lawyers when this might not be the thing worth fight about, or even spending any wasted time on.
I never understood the level of confusion Kathy felt years ago when she had to say goodbye to her own daughter. Turning off machines, acknowledging a very different world they were about to enter. I’m trying to remove that for my parents, for my friends, for everyone. I joke about people just doing what I tell them, but I know it will be hard in the end. Even knowing that they really don’t have a decision to make can paralyze some.
So medical directives, new living will, and since the lawyer is getting paid a few changes to my actual will have to occur before the close of business today. It’s stupid that at one point my brain put my ex into consideration, how would she have handled this? Not well, that’s the thing I need to keep reminding myself.
The irony of this entire day is that my nephew turns 7 today. While I’m plotting out the terms of my exit, everyone else is going to be celebrating the anniversary of his arrival! I’ll give him a call after school, maybe some Facetime? Who knows, I hope they run him into the ground with silly, goofy activities. Uncle Lary has got to take care of the harder things. And that’s the way it should be…
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Ripped from the Headlines!.”