I wish I had the strength to open her letter. It’s not a physical thing, but my emotions get so far out of check about certain people and events that I have done my best to hide from them. And now I carry this note with me wherever I go. The joys of email that is synced to my phone and tablet. There is only so fast you can run from something that is sitting within your grasp.
It’s been two years since I’ve spoken with her. And that conversation didn’t go well. It was after my daughter had died and neither of us knew what to do for each other. So silence became the path of no resistance. Never far from my thoughts, but distance was what we both needed. We shared some of the same reasons and on some level knew there was pain that couldn’t be avoided for either of us.
Friends are funny things. They can be thousands of miles away and yet right next to you all at the same time. I ran so quickly to Boston that I didn’t leave a forwarding address. And I didn’t try to involve others in what has become a futile attempt at life.
When you wind down a business most people try to do it quickly and with little fanfare. I’ve been applying that same theory to my own life. Just a notice my parents will eventually send out letting people know the cancer did it’s job.
Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder, it hardens it.
Even while I’m typing this all I need to do is switch over the window and there it will be, sitting in the folder with her name and a number behind it. Some days it would blink throughout the day with updates and replies, other days silent but always a welcome diversion to whatever was happening.
Last week when it light up all I felt was panic. Pain and anxiety, worry that something had happened to her family or someone else where she felt the need to inform me. It took most of the day to fight off those feelings. To hold back every desire to just click here.
If this had been a piece of paper, I could have put it in a drawer. Waited for a time when I could emotionally handle the words.
I love the feeling of having just finished a run and the sweat is dripping so rapidly my socks are starting to cling to my feet. Water stinging my eyes and my knees are burning from the miles of pavement left behind. This I can’t move fast enough from.
Hopefully soon I’ll be ready to read even the couple of sentences this might contain. I don’t know, maybe during a therapy session in case I just let my feelings for the past overcome the wall I have built in my present.
I do miss my friend. Staying silent was the last act I could think of to let any of them live without fear. Only now I fear a silly letter.