The levels haven’t gotten better. Some days are filled with such pain I can’t explain it other than to say “you have to have been there”? But in the past I would have done anything possible to make sure no one ever knew how this feels. The physical stuff I learned to deal with years ago. Sports taught me how to cover up minor stuff, being an asshole taught me how to cover up the rest.
Some days I pray that the cancer will just win and a nap turns into something permanent. Guilt gets a large opening on those days. The lose of control over my life isn’t who I am. Long ago I accepted the narcissistic qualities of who I am.
Now I need lots of help to get through the days. Some of it for little things you don’t even consider. Every now and then not being able to get a glass of water? The hallway is just too long. I’m not used to having to sit on the floor to just let my body catch up with my drive.
Watching the sun rise through the window is still a wonder. And some days I consider it to be a gift. Even if the sky if covered in grey and the guy next door is entering week two of concrete removal from his driveway, I try to hope. One more chance to get things right.
And then it creeps back…
The darkness that makes me think of those old cartoons where the character has a cloud dripping on their head. Even when the umbrella is open, the water still soaks them through. The waters on the inside? Guess that is some reference to inner turmoil?
Hope left the building some time ago. Parts of my life that were funny, aren’t. The doctors have told me that with so many things that occurred in my personal life in such a short period of time, my brain just isn’t wired the same anymore. It goes far beyond a defense mechanism, my emotions have just stopped.
Could be protecting others? Might be protecting myself? When you close the circle around yourself it hopefully falls into a little of both. Mostly I think it is protecting others because I still have such emotional response to certain people. I keep grasping for the light and only come up with
I feel like I let them down. Even with the cancer? But you can’t control that one! Stop acting like an idiot!
See the battle isn’t as easy as some people think. You can’t just will your way out of a mental state. You can delay it. Push it off. But it always comes back. This change in myself isn’t one I like.
The darkness will win someday. The sun won’t come up and that damn jackhammer will be silent to me. I’m only wondering if the pain goes away as well?
Random Brain Musings 
It was difficult liking something that you have written when it is also very sad. But it’s a release of all the emotions inside you which can only be a good thing.
We all have a fear of cancer and a lot of people look the other way because they don’t know what to say. Keep writing, your stronger than you think
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Ditto to above re: liking something I don’t like to read that anyone has to be experiencing. But the like is really for you, not the words. Thank you for sharing your very real feelings and thoughts. Statistically speaking, far too many of us can or will be able to relate to your journey. That sucks, but connecting with others who do get it because they have been there helps. This helped me and for that I am grateful for your existence.
Healing white light to you. Marianne
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Hoping that you get glimmers of light throughout your day. Thanks for sharing your times of darkness.
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