On those days when I am ready to write I let myself try to tackle some issue rolling around my life. Then I see the prompt and I feel a shift. Most days it is some memory that springs up or an emotional response to the words I read. Yesterday I wanted to say so many things about the prompt “Apology”, but knew better than to start down that path. That journey is something I have been trying a avoid lately. As much as I try, some emotions are never going to be controllable.
Over the weekend I was trapped in a conversation about how I was handling things. But rather than feel like I was doing the right thing or even if I knew something wasn’t working out, by the end I felt like a failure. The people around me were talking down to me not with me or even at me.
Recently I have stepped up the therapy sessions because I have needed to work some things out. My emotional responses have been coming faster than I recognize. Simple flashes are bringing me great pain. Sometimes you can hide that behind random issues connected to the cancer. But other times it’s more than that.
My grandfather taught me a powerful lesson. Sometimes you have to put aside everything you are feeling because you need to help another. What he didn’t say was that in the quiet hours he was downing so much alcohol to numb himself that it eventually killed him.
I don’t drink, so that isn’t my issue. He is also the very reason why I don’t. It’s an easy relief that only hides today’s issue.
But I spent so much time trying to help my ex deal with her life that I completely ignored that I needed to help myself. I adopted her manner of walking away from emotions and now I can’t find my way back.
Sunday I couldn’t take anymore and just went to my bedroom. Sat in a chair and tried to read but all I could do was choke back every shake and tear. It was like being a water balloon with a needle rubbing it’s surface. Little beads of moisture but no explosion.
I need the explosion or I’m running he risk of no longer feeling anything. At least outwardly which only means that the very people who started this will never know how badly things hurt.
A long time ago I held things back and by the time I let loose, I truly let loose. Went swinging at anyone in the room regardless of their involvement. That was 22 years ago and I still can’t be in a room with some of them because of my embarrassment.
There is plenty of fear that goes with the cancer stuff. Even the bravest have moments of self doubt and worry. I’ve done my best, I’m just learning that for some it will never be enough. [an irony not lost when I used to tell others that the only thing I ever needed was them coming home.and being themselves.]
If my daughter were around I would just hug her and tell her she was my bright light. Then we’d go eat ice cream!
I wish it were still that simple.