After looking at how all of the words were either misspelled or just didn’t make sense, I’m embarrassed to write many days. I just don’t know how many more of these I have within me. Seeing the decline hurts. Knowing that words that used to fly out are now sitting on a shelf in a jar marked “Do Not Touch”. There’s something I want to get out and hopefully it means something to someone. Really anyone?
Like the Queen song “And bad mistakes, I’ve made a few”. For a long time I have kept a tight grip on my guilt. It’s like a second skin I wear underneath my clothes. Forgiveness isn’t going to come. Not from the only person it truly matters, myself. As this stupid cancer is making things harder, I can’t keep from clinging to the idea it has always been my fault and my punishment.
If it were any other person, I would tell them they needed to stop. Stop thinking that way, make sure to get help and find a way to live with their life.
It’s absolutely impossible for me to hear my own words. They get drowned out by the other voices.
Guilt is a horrible thing. It is good to feel, but not to make it who you are and what you show the world.
Having someone leave me a note that said “I am always sorry I can’t give you more, that I cannot do more” brings me to tears. They’ve given me so much and for them to think they aren’t enough, it’s just wrong. It has always been about my inability to fix myself, not the daily kindness they show me.
At some point I’ll no longer be able to fix a cup of tea let alone fix the world’s problems.
I wish I had never let someone get inside my head. Now when I want to reach out to people I can’t. But I still long for that feeling when someone just grips my hand and gives it a squeeze.
What’s is my point? Learn to forgive yourself for whatever you may carry on your shoulders. The people who love you, care about you, they’ll help if you let them.