Gather round me in a circle. Just grab a chair and let’s see if I can get this right. The story sounds familiar and everyone here has the same ending, just different details. Let me tell you how it all ended and how it began again.
Last night I agreed to lead a small group of people. Honestly there should have been one or two people, but the universe had a different plan. For too many people. You get caught up between hoping there are no new people and knowing that they are out there and hopefully getting the help they need.
The theme is death. Specifically our children’s deaths. That haunted look in their eyes that still looks back at you in the mirror on occasion. And in my case, last night needing to remove myself from all emotions that could trap me in their narratives. It’s my nature to absorb other’s sins, to try to take their guilt and emotion on myself so that someone else can continue. So sitting in that room meant trying to remove everything about Abigail that keeps me smiling.
I always start talking about this by letting them know that crappy stuff happens on the nicest of days. Blue skies and gentle breezes replace by the harsh wind coming from barely being able to contain the screams. Letting them know that we all wished there had been some sign to let me know the day was going south. Dark skies and pounding rain.
Telling people about how angry I was and how angry I still am takes control that I lack on this topic. Leaving out details about my ex so that her privacy is respected in a way her family has not respected mine only gets raised hands. I politely, and maybe forcefully decline those answers. I’m not exposing that anger when it only means taking from their time and ability to talk about their children.
We talk about finding a way to honor their memory, and last night was just another balloon launched into the sky. I don’t know where it lands or how its journey will end, but not doing something to make her proud isn’t an option.
I’m learning that while I’m not religious, I am finding a faith in the dreams.
People tell me I still have the ability to command a room, even while needing to sit in my chair. That while my voice isn’t as loud anymore, it still carries a strength. I don’t see it, I’m still a kid inside trying to not disappoint by doing the wrong thing.
As the meeting broke up, I made my way to my ride. Sneaking out the door because I hate thinking if this might be the last time I make one of these meetings.
The skies had turned dark from time and lights were reflecting in every direction. My heart was only in one place, and that’s where is should have been.