This was the perfect time to ask for some assistance. If I was going to actively chose falling down the cavern, having a person to hold the rope was smart. Allowing depression to take hold for a short period of time means trusting someone to shine a light I could follow back. Finding a person who is strong enough to be there and not take it personally or become trapped beneath the surface was easier than I thought.
My surprise came from having someone volunteer and push their way to the front of the line to help. Not a series of words but actions that allowed me to do what was necessary and come back.
That gave her a purpose. A long overdue acknowledgement that I valued what was being offered to me and that I was finally ready to accept a small portion of assistance.
Long ago I became accustomed to having to beg for someone to be there. It became so desperate a plea after my daughter left that it was impossible to get anything done. At a time when if things had been different maybe my future would also be. Those months of not sleeping, barely eating, and carrying around a level of anger and grief that served no purpose other than to turn rainbows grey; they left me weak. Prime for illness to take hold and keep it.
Saturday I had to go deep. Talking about death is one thing, talking about how you expect people to handle your own combines a strength to get through the words and complete weakness as a result.
Most days I don’t allow the pain to show openly. There are signs, but that just letting go long enough to get it out and move forward, not a chance. I’m still haunted by showing previous weakness and have it exploited.
There were just two of us in the room. It was a movement in our friendship that needed to occur. I know that there was no amount of things I could buy, or meals I could cook that would be as meaningful as simply letting someone see me break down. Accepting her hand to get off the floor hopefully was growth.
When someone at work feels like they aren’t fitting in, you find them a purpose. Let them do something that brings out their confidence in themselves. Let them know they matter as more than a nameless, faceless cog in the wheel.
It’s taken a long time for me to be able to open myself up to show that I understood that when I fell, those moments of weakness I try to hide, I was comfortable taking hold of a hand that has allows offered to be there.
Let’s put it in the simplest form –
I took a few bricks that have been built into a huge wall and moved them off to the side a started a foundation for a different structure. Not a wall this time, but how about a nice patio where a few chairs can gather?