I screwed up. That’s the polite way of wording that, most times I would use a string of words best left out of civil society. The pain I caused just a few days ago is going to last much longer than just the hours that have passed since. 100 percent my issue, the fault only resides at my feet and there is nothing that can be done to fix it. I’ve tried in my head to come up with something that corrects my behavior, but I keep getting lost in my thoughts.
Of course that is what made me act so stupidly…
Last week a friend tried to be there for me during what was an unpleasant experience. A few sleepless nights followed by days that moved at paces I couldn’t track. One minute passed into an hour or maybe time was just flowing at different rates I never saw.
But rather than let someone in the door, I kept it closed. I try not to dwell to much on my ex’s behavior at times, there is no point. The past is to be studied, but shouldn’t punish someone who wasn’t a part of my life then.
Here’s my joke – Politicians always talk about the 3 a.m. phone call they always are ready for, my ex was not that person. It hurt knowing that one day, when I was laying in the hospital I called her to let her know what had happened, she had to be told what to do. I opted for her staying away since normal reaction should have been dropping the phone and just being there. Having to beg someone isn’t my thing.
I once walked out on a date because a friend was concerned about something going on with her family. I drove an hour just to sit on the floor and listen. That was what my parents taught me, you stop what you are doing and get where you need to be. Don’t wait to be asked, just go. Even when there is nothing to be done. Some times it only matters that you be there. [I once sat in a plastic chair in the emergency room waiting for the former mother-in-law, just because it was the right thing to do. They never understood that, even made fun of me for it. My mother was irate when they later made fun of me for those types of things!]
So fast forward, I didn’t pick up the phone and ask anyone for help. Didn’t use my words when the rest of the room could see I was in pain. I closed the door and locked it. Put a chair against it and ensured no one could hurt me. Other than myself.
I know this woman wants to be there. She has said it over and over again. “Just let me listen.” “Let me get you a drink when you can’t.” I could continue with endless examples, I’ve heard every word. But still the phone sat on the table.
Letting people in has been hard. It was easier with her daughter because she’s my niece’s best friend. She’s around alot. And never would I allow myself to hurt these girls, under no set of circumstances. I’d rather spend time with my ex’s mother on a desert island!
Yesterday was bad because I couldn’t let it go. Sitting, watching outside as I tried to navigate out of this stupid blindspot, the day was lost. By bedtime I hurt all over. Not a portion of me was happy and that only makes dealing with the physical side more difficult. I still didn’t pick up the phone and apologize.
The sad part is I know she would have forgiven me. But I’m still learning to forgive myself for things I never could control. And the ones I can control become a giant mess when I don’t handle them.
Why I’m letting the ex control today is beyond me. Here are people willing to drop everything to just let me know I still have some value in the world and my reaction is less than spectacular. Yet they try the next day to let me know, hoping the sun brought light into my world, that they are still trying.
I hate myself during those times.
Why don’t they hate me?