The material over my face only lets in brief glimpses of light. Sometimes the warmth of the sun radiates through the material but that only lets me know that the sun is up and that my kidnapper has let me out for some fresh air. There aren’t many details to be seen but the memories of certain days flood back to bring me to a different place and time.
Days can go by without the veil being lifted off of my face. Food slips through at various points but I don’t recall the smell or even what it might have been. The blandness replacing any sensation of flavor or enjoyment. From the moment I get up until the time comes for me to crawl back under the covers life continues without me noticing anything.
Getting up the next day just means repeating the same pattern of dull, colorless life. Sometimes not even remembering who I have spoken with or needing to look at my phone to see if I spoke to anyone at all.
Welcome to the world I’m trying to escape.
The combination of drugs they keep adjusting takes more than it gives. Time is the only thing they care about. How much more can we give you without thinking about if it is quality time. Getting through a day isn’t enough, the notion of feeling like an automaton is not a life worth living.
I want to feel again…or maybe I don’t.
Having joined a group to help deal with grief, even they are sometimes at a loss how to direct me. Details get in the way of progress and when you don’t have details they can set you back. So many questions about my daughter that I still don’t know. But then those have been hidden from me for some reason.
In such a short period of time I had to deal with a world of devastating changes that I still don’t know which to address on any given day. The longer those things are left unfocused and silent means going another sunset without making progress.
Picture rowing a boat towards shore and then falling asleep. You wake up and realize you have been carried by the tide even further out into the vast body standing between you and terra firma. Frustration, pain and unfortunately anger all come rushing in before you notice the amazing sunrise. Even worse, just turning around might bring the realization that another island is directly behind you.
I’m going to go lay back down now. It’s been a rough couple of days and people are relying on me to get some work done. Hopefully when that’s finished I can do the other type, some on myself. Maybe just a few minutes and when bedtime approaches tonight I can dream about a place people keep telling me about.
If not, well I can go the other route of overthinking life until I just shut my eyes.