Normally I carry around a backpack with a few essentials. Meds, spare battery and a copy of some [paperwork should something require a quick visit to the medical establishment. Today along with that simple collection was my additional baggage weighing enough to need someone else to help push. The kind of mass that even the airlines would have questioned if they charged me enough to check my bag.
Two types of conversations seem to require an audience. Someone getting engaged and when people break up. A crowd seems to change reactions? This fell into a third category, we could have talked in the kitchen or any other place in the house, but prying ears was enough of a consideration for us to go out. Teenage girls are curious, these two in particular.
We covered so many questions that I still don’t think all of them were answered.
I tried to stay within the topic of her daughter and how glad I am that she takes good care of my niece. Good friends are important. I kept steering everything back to that. Stick with something comfortable, not anything close to dealing with my own emotions.
Then I was told to shut up and listen. Not reply, just nod my head and acknowledge I’m not only hearing the words but understanding her meaning.
Everything that followed touched a whole series of emotions. Some was funny, some things made me want to stop and ask a question, and one thing seriously pissed me off to the point where others could see me fighting not to get up and go beat the hell out of someone not present. (This info has been shared with permission, just not the specifics!)
But what I couldn’t answer properly, by telling the simple truth was hard. What she can do for me. If this were a comedy, this is where you insert a picture of a suitcase popping open and clothes flying across the room. Baggage claim?!!
Panic sets in and I’m now being chased by the big, bad monster in the room. You have to have serious issues to avoid someone who asking nothing more than how they can help.
I was allowed to briefly touch back on the topic of her daughter. That her presence confuses the home situation. It’s hard to help my niece and not offer the same to the person sit next to her. (The rules are clear with my niece, don’t get her killed. Pretty clear intent. I don’t know what to be for her daughter.)
Everyone accepts that part of me is damaged and might never recover. But it doesn’t fix today’s conversation.
It was obvious she knew more than I expected. Another talk with a different person for a later time about how much of my life she has been sharing.
In the end it was clear I needed someone to talk to. An adult who just listens and calls me out from time to time.
But to tie this into previous entries into this blog, she offered the one thing I absolutely turned down. She invited me over to dinner and offered to cook. This one thing unnerved me to the point where I couldn’t continue. (The gentleman would like his steamer trunk, heavy baggage!)
I agreed with one ground rule, the kids had to be there. Let me play the emotional game of thinking this is nothing more than food. When the one thing you look for gets tossed in your lap and you start playing Hot Potato, that’s confusion.
So tonight dinner is planned for me. I have no idea what it will be, but history has proven that people are talking behind my back, so I’m sure it will be something I enjoy.
For the last 18 months I have closed off everything about my life. Not let a single person know the entirety of my thoughts. This might be a chance to let some of that leak from the dam. She’s trying hard and I don’t know how to react. But I no longer can be passive and avoid people’s concern.
It was nice to have the kids meet me after the hospital garbage last week. Just them grabbing my bag and being there was the fulfillment of a dream sequence. 48 hours of silly wiped away with a couple of smiles.
I’m lucky and it’s time to deal with the fact that others are fighting to keep me around. Maybe it’s time to take off the gloves and let them.
Random Brain Musings 