The walk is going to feel good after sitting in the car for a little over two hours. It will be slow and in order to keep my feet moving some silly verse will be silently sung in my head. There have always been lots of walks to take, just this one repeats itself from time to time. Almost the exact same footprints in both directions.
The florist thinks I’m crazy. I keep ordering the same arrangement. But my target is very vocal about what she wants and what she doesn’t like. So my lap should be full of pedals and pollen by the time I emerge from the vehicle.
Reservations for lunch have been made. Another traditional choice that is slowly becoming our favorite meeting place.
The weather is supposed to be clear in Maine tomorrow. A little warm even for late March. My time won’t be cut short by Mother Nature having another say in my day. The overcoat will keep me warm from any breeze as I stand there trying to find the words to speak.
It might be a smart idea to have a few things in the back of my mind to say. Easy ways to work towards the topics that are the reasons for my visit. My tongue is going to stumble because there will come a point when emotions are going to take over. And they should, there is no reason to hide them. Not here and not for her.
This walk is different from the others I had planned. School, to the park, standing there cheering like a loon at graduation, walking her down the isle to a new destiny. Those I knew about from the minute I met her. My next set of steps are the same one’s I hadn’t ever allowed myself to think about, and at times they now freeze me in place.
My heart is fearless about this journey, my brain is conflicted about how to feel. Visiting a grave site always brings out mixed emotions. The last visit I sat on a blanket and talked for a little while.
“I miss you Bug, I absolutely miss you…” Those words are always present. Along with a slew of others that only the wind has heard.
I don’t set a limit on my time. This is my chance to say anything without the rest of the world worrying. I’ve left with smiles and just about every other expression. My feet move a little slower on the way out.
Is there anything I forgot to say? I know you can hear me whisper “I love you”.
Tomorrow morning will be a rush to get somewhere I never expected. A destination that holds my future while reminding me of my past.
She may be lost to the world, but I know exactly where she is. Every time I put my hand on my chest, she’s right there. Where she will always be.