I Pay You for My Thoughts?


It’s been taught in every economics class for decades, price is the amount of something a person is willing to exchange for a good or service.  Or as the kids say “What’s it worth to you?”  In some cultures they expect you are going to argue the value of an item.  If you don’t, they lose respect for you and laugh once out of sight.  Some places just say, “That’s the price on it!” and that’s what you pay.  It’s the cost of something.

In life the price you pay is the unintended path you walk in order to achieve a sought after outcome.  What are you willing to do to get your goal?  Will you walk across a desert because at the end you’ll get a pat on the back?  The cost sometimes is your soul.

Without getting a moral debate going about Faust and the Devil, sometimes the cost of getting a desired result is way to high.  Irrational thoughts push aside a more tempered approach.  Anger and doubt, fear of losing replace what might otherwise make an experience enjoyable.

I know about losing things.  Plenty of those things are replaceable, but one never will be.  The price I have been willing to pay also means, that if I want to continue living, I also pay in real terms with real money in the form of therapy.

When I sat thinking about ending my life, I was willing to sacrifice anything that might follow to end what felt like an endless series of pain.  In so short a period of months the loses were piling up and I just couldn’t handle them.  One more, even minor setback, felt like it was going to push me to do something that was very thinkable, even realistic for me.

My mind had become so clouded with fear that every opportunity to get myself away from my own thoughts was passed up.  And it created a world were real cost were being paid by those around me.

You don’t make good decisions when you don’t sleep for long periods of time.  Add in chemo, radiation, all sorts of drugs to combat the cancer/anxiety/pain, the world sneaks up on you rather than you capturing moments.  A silent tap on the shoulder to remind you of things you walked past and forgot to enjoy or notice.

I’m supposed to be the Master of My Own Destiny, yet there are days when I wonder if that could possibly be true.

Do I still undervalue my place in the world, absolutely.  I did what I was taught to do, take the blame, pay the price and carry the burden.

Is there some sage advice I can offer?  Not really.  As much as I can teach about economics I need to learn about every other aspect of life.

What I can say is this – enjoy every moment you can while you can.  Hold dear those things you value.  And mainly just let people in ( the cost of not is higher than you ever want to pay!  I know this on a daily basis.)



2 thoughts on “I Pay You for My Thoughts?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s