Last week the depression won. The battle was over before I got into the car and started driving and almost ended with me doing something that would have been an article in the paper. Sometimes the voices are louder than reason and once in a while they just can’t be quieted.
Getting the anger out of my life has taken work. Hard work that needs constant care, upkeep, and a very public acknowledgement that it creeps up from beneath the surface. It’s been suggested that writing a book about my journey would be helpful to others since the topic is usually case studies or medical journals. Why is that?
Men rarely talk about pain in real terms.
Do you know why History Books were big sellers in the late 2000’s? They shifted form being academic works and began to tell stories. Not cold facts, but anecdotes filled with humor to get information across. Make something accessible and people will flock to it.
Sitting behind a catchers mask, watching a curve ball come at you for the first time is an experience. The gentle arc it makes catches you by surprise. Much different from the batter who sees it from a different angle. You need to train yourself to not jump to the left or right to line up with the ball that is coming right back to where you started. ((I could tell you about the physics of rotational effects in regards to the seams presenting an optical illusion, but that just is boring and not as romantic.)
With work things, people have always been comfortable letting me be a little abrasive about getting things handled. Not rude or abusive, they just know I have no issue with being the hard-ass in the room. Anger doesn’t enter the equation unless I’m dealing with Comcast, then all bets are off!
This anger is a poison. A chronic condition that springs up at times I don’t really need it. And when you are feeling low and alone, it is the worst time for it to show up. A small bump turns into a pothole that swallows the car.
Getting angry about people seemingly forgetting about my kid was necessary. What should have been done was opening my mouth to say something about it. Instead the silence rang in my hears like leaving a concert having sat next to the speakers. It drowned out my only hope for that day. Just a smile while talking about it for a few minutes.
Those gentles bends in the road that led back home looked more like hard turns. With each passing light my urge to take the wrong one kept getting stronger. I don’t really know why I didn’t in the end. Home was where I sat in the car, listening to the car tick down as the power was cut. Going inside and handing off the keys and asking they not be returned was the smartest thing I did.
Letting the anger tag-team with the depression was maybe the dumbest?