I haven’t written for days and the thoughts in my head are so scrambled that I really don’t know where to begin my tale. There’s obviously a beginning. And I’d be the first to acknowledge that I would skip a few of the details that came before that since I am still hiding them from myself along with anyone else. Some conversations just can’t pass my lips without darkening the skies for others.
Last week I couldn’t stop thinking about my daughter. Two years have slipped by and I still have so many questions that just aren’t going to ever be satisfied. Everyone around me kept asking if I was okay, and I just told them I was tired from a switch in medication. It wasn’t like I spent my days like a zombie, life does continue just without any color or sound. But my lie was going to come out and effect those around me just when they thought maybe we had gotten through the worst of it.
The saga of last Thursday is simple. Don’t ask for even the simplest of help and everything is going to spin off axis very quickly. Some thoughts take on such huge weight emotionally, they smash anything else.
Sisyphus on roller-skates pushing a flaming piece of lava uphill?
The trigger was simple, a stupid commercial on television. It led to me wondering if the ex was doing okay on that day. (to think otherwise means losing some of my humanity, and that isn’t an option.) Since I was already in pins and needles, it didn’t take much more. My own family didn’t mention a thing. It was as if they wanted to forget what to me is the worst thing possible.
So by dinner I was so consumed with anger and fear that I knew it was time to get to the doctor. Not a panic attack, those are easy to control. I know those signs all too well. But I couldn’t stop shaking and my inner demon was whispering nasty thoughts.
The biggest lie of my life has been that I can handle this without help.
Most times it is just something that passes as quickly as it enters my mind. A flash of memory, some song or picture, little things that bring a moment of melancholy.
Thursday was different.
While for some people this sounds like whining, for me it is the single biggest survival technique I know. It was hard to admit when someone used this information against me and everyone expected that I would do nothing in return. Instead I put on my Edmond Dantes mask and went full revenge. Some things can’t be overlooked.
Yesterday I heard so many people make fun of Rhonda Rousey for admitting that losing a fight put her in such an emotionally low place that she thought about ending her life. They thought it was stupid that a sport could do that to someone. It was horrible to hear people tear down someone for being honest about weakness.
A few days had passed since I ran for help as quickly as I could. The gentle reminders from the family I stay with in Boston that they would have talked all day if that was what I needed. The one friend I have made this past year basically just giving me a hug and whispering that she’d sit in the chair if that was okay.
Some lies can remain buried forever. They only slowly destroy.
My lie didn’t want to wait. I have a serious weakness and always will. It can be easily exploited. I guess that protecting my daughter never ends…