That chair was getting uncomfortably close. But at the same time I was so glad to have it right there, only inches from me. It was the easiest way for us to share the screen in front of us. Watching a movie, while trying to pass the time between doctors walking in and out, seemed like a good thing to do. No need to talk, most of the good jokes or stories to keep it light had been used up anyway.
I was taken by surprise when the knocking on the door reveled someone not attached to the medical garbage. It was a huge relief and it showed on my face. Not some big smile, but I hope my eyes conveyed my emotions. The odd thing about this situation is that I’ve only just begun to know this woman. Her daughter is friends with my niece. For some reason she volunteered to come and wait for me to be sprung since my landlady/ other mother had to be someplace herself.
The movie was silly nonsense. But I hadn’t laughed like that in so long I forgot the sound it made in my own ears. My stomach was convulsing from the unexpected joy I was feeling watching this show. That moment I treasure more than anything, having someone just bump up against my shoulder, acknowledging their own flight of fancy, made me more at ease than the rest of my surroundings would imply.
For the past couple of years not much has made me just want to continue laughing. Life just hasn’t been very funny, or fun at times. This came out of the blue and I needed it. Maybe craved or longed for it might be a better description of how badly I needed it? There wasn’t any fear of what hammer would be dropped next or how long someone was going to stay before running away again. And that was the hardest revelation…
I can handle most anything. Work is not really work to me, family is and will always be a chore; but while I have been ignoring some things about myself yesterday made sure to remind me in a simple way. Just laughing at something and enjoying hearing someone else laugh is something I miss. And it reminds me that there has been one thing I have forcefully pushed away at every opportunity, people.
There was one question I had to ask.
“Are you sure you don’t need to be somewhere else?”
I know the question might offend anyone, but it had to be uttered. The reply was something I didn’t expect.
“I know more about you than you think. My daughter talks about how you do such simple things, like bring them a cup of hot chocolate when they are watching a movie. Just leave the cups, kiss your niece’s head and leave. I know about your daughter and obviously about the cancer, but right now I just want to learn what it sounds like when you laugh.”
Honestly I’m caught up in being slightly confused by why anyone would be sitting there, that statement only deepens my thoughts. But I’m still glad for a simple answer, too many things have been complicated lately by my having shut people out.
If I go a little deeper into my emotions, I really need a friend. I’m at times desperate to have that back in my life. And sitting across from me was someone willing to fill that role without having to be chased down, no endless text messages or voice mails. All those times when I wished someone had just knocked on the door and said “I’m here!”, for some reason the universe is placing that in front of me.
Life is complicated and messy. People who boldly state they don’t want drama usually aren’t prepared to be there for someone else. And sometimes there are good reasons behind that, even if I don’t understand at the time or ever.
But why now, in this stupid sterile environment, is someone willing to come over after a long day of their own work and help? That always been my role.