There are lots of things that Cancer does to you. Let’s not pander and overlook the obvious physical toll it takes. Not only does the hair do odd things but even the toughest of people are at times reduced to needing help just to get out of a chair. We see that part all the time. The part most people are afraid of is the emotional side-effects. Ones felt by themselves that they try to hid from others, while those same people are trying their best to act as if life is normal.
Most days I can keep the emotions in my little box, along with Shroedinger’s Cat. Are they alive or are they dead? But when the box does get a little peek of light, we end up with a more perverse version of Pandora’s little surprise.
Today I have been running from the feelings that would drive me to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Those are ugly thoughts. Ones that scare everyone around me because they know for me to even admit them means they have been rolling around for longer than my words now hanging in the air.
What happened today? I don’t know. There’s no trigger in my past that has my memories flooding back. No birthdays, anniversaries, or even some flashback to an event I may have once attended. But it has a grip on me that is so tight that I needed to write about it. These are the conversations that upset people around me and only drive my own guilt deeper inward. Rational versus irrational, pure emotions or pure logic; one always wins.
I’m finding that as I make these lists of things I wish to do, some require my reaching out to people. But logic takes over and makes me question if this is about me or for them? Would I be doing the right thing in talking to people about my death or letting them read about it at some point in the future? Deeper and deeper into myself is the result of that particular question.
I haven’t been able to answer for my therapist a very simple question. Why haven’t I spoken with anyone? Even the people who know about me being sick don’t know the extent of where I currently find myself.
While the doctors tell me that the time to do something is now, my brain wants to do an end-run and find excuses for waiting. I’m running out of excuses and running out of time. Sooner or later getting my thoughts out is going to get harder and harder than it already is. The confusion that at times clouds my mind will get worse. And I’ll not only not recognize my thoughts but possibly some of the people in them and unfortunately those in the room.
Self-imposed isolation is not a good thing. I always saw those signs in someone else and worried daily about her ability to control them. Hiding when doing something was always the better task. But I got to a point where I knew I couldn’t change those things, only be there if she was ever ready to talk. She never was…
For the last year I’ve tried to talk about how it feels to lose a daughter, her mother leaving and now my own life. I still don’t know how. All this progress I’ve made with anger is nothing compared to the need to progress with the one thing that matters most, admitting that the people in my life matter. Not just as memories but as an active part of my life.
I’ve seen too much death lately. Experienced it in ways that I shouldn’t, ways that make me send a package to someone telling them that this scarf is to remind them of a warm hug that I just can’t deliver. My only thoughts being how much they mean to me without being able to tell them directly.
I know the words, understand their meaning, but yet I can’t seem to apply them to myself. I haven’t reached the point where I believe I deserve them. And it’s very likely I never will…