Racing for October

October can’t get it fast enough.  I realize it is only a few days away, in cosmic terms less than a blink of the eye.  But at the moment it is a lifeboat floating just on the horizon that I’m paddling to with all of the strength and emotional fortitude I can find.  When I search the recesses of my mind, nothing has gone even remotely wrong during that month at any point in my life.  I actually can find multiple things that are worth celebrating.

Years ago October brought into my life the very essence of the person I become when I was a teenager.  Her time wasn’t long enough, but her mother has helped me over the past three decades whenever I have needed a lift.  Kathy and her family have opened their world to me and made it a point to continually remind me that they aren’t going anywhere.  For me that is important, knowing that even when I’m at my worst [and there are times when I can be quite obnoxious].  They may need to leave the room for a few minutes but they also always come back.  That all started in an October back in 1987!

The end of the month isn’t a bad place to be either.  Halloween is fun, but another person who tried to make it her goal in life to find a cure for the cancer eating away was born that day.

In between?  I can’t recall too many things that I carry forward that would cause even a moments pain.  All good memories.

The most important of them will always start, just like the month, with finding out I was going to be a father.  I’ve given lots of space to dealing with her death, but I try hard to find solace in those moments where she brought me the most joy.  I wish they weren’t so compact, like her life, but they bring me such joy that I still want to celebrate them in any way possible.

The day hadn’t even begun when the doctor’s told us about our impending addition.  4 in the morning?  But the sun rose differently that day, everything that was impossible felt possible as I drove back to the house.  The sunroof open, music going so loudly with my voice banging out a stupid tune, I wanted that feeling to never end.  In many ways I needed that feeling to never end.

I tried to concentrate at work, but I kept going from site to site looking at various toys, furniture, clothes for the as yet undetermined child.  I kept finding these really cute dresses, somehow my mind and maybe my heart really wanted a little girl.  Another person who was going to be able to round out the harshness that I sometimes brought along with me.  The fact I still keep my copy of “Vader’s Little Princess” on my tablet as a reminder of a story I could have read daily?  I wish people could have known me during that time.  I thought that everything was possible, nothing couldn’t be conquered; life even with it’s imperfect moments was perfect at every moment.

Last year I was dealing with so many other things that I later felt guilty when I couldn’t find the time or energy to do the right thing.  Not just the two minutes it took to post a picture and write some Japanese phrase on Facebook.  I was so lost in her mother having left that I couldn’t see the positive thing I should have been holding onto.  The amazing amount of guilt I carry sometimes makes me forget that for a few moments it’s okay to feel something other than pain.

So when I get up on Thursday morning and look out the window, she’ll be the only thing I think about.  She needs to be the only thing I think about.  I owe her that tiny bit of myself.  I actually owe her more than that.  She re-enforced something that I forgot about myself, that someone could make me mindlessly blissful without doing a thing.  Her mother had the same effect on me.

October can’t get here fast enough.  And when it does my heart is going to open for a little while and recall all that is possible.  I can’t say it often enough or even loudly enough, I love her to pieces.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Yin to My Yang.”


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