There must have been something about my face. Battling between letting myself feel a series of emotions or finding yet another way to lock them away. Saturday mornings are supposed to be family time around the house, everyone talking about the past week and the week to come. Hash out the issues, move forward with the fun. I’d brought something they all knew about, always offer to talk about, but I find it safer to protect them from me than let them see me.
Saturday’s prompt led me down a very dark path. Kathy looked at what I had written, because the puffy eye syndrome meant she asked if I was alright. She also took my laptop away and said very clearly that I couldn’t ever post what I had written. Too much emotion, all pointed inward and that even having allowed myself to go there she worried would infect my peace. How right she was!
Love is easy to feel in the beginning, so much harder to maintain when life gets in the way. A life that turns out different from the fairy tales, one the requires work to hold onto. When another person gets inside that moat and finds a way into the castle that you should have built for two, you might as well hand her the keys and walk out right then. Nothing would have ever combated the ex’s mother in the middle of everything. I know understand why her sister-in-law brings a book to family things and heads out to a room without anyone else!
Kathy may be the mother of a high school girlfriend, one who is family to me; but she has always been there for me. Even when I have been dead wrong, she still waited in the corner for the walls to crumble. 30 years she has had my back. I now know that my ex’s mother only had my back when she had control.
After reading my missive, it was get Lary out of the house as quickly as we could. Nothing more than someplace away where I could escape for a little while. This additional hole in my head (and no, you don’t need additional holes in your head!), it means slow going.
I would have loved to run today, move as fast as my feet could take me away from myself and the thoughts taking over. Even a walk around a pond would be great. Now I’m more human with his head out the window like a Husky!
Being angry that I made a choice to give up not one but two dream jobs is pointless. I did it for what I thought were the right reason, giving someone a chance to follow her dreams without fear of some unknown. There were sacrifices I knew I would have to make to be with her, too bad she never understood what that meant.
Anyhow, I was given back my computer. Obviously! Today is a different day with different challenges. But I made a promise to my aunt a long time ago about passing on some recipes only the family shares. Today one of them gets passed on to the niece. I’ll tell her about how I learned how to make it, teach her how to and hope for the best.
My mother told me I’ve changed in ways that she wished I hadn’t, but it can’t be helped. She can’t walk in my shoes and I can’t ask her to. Much like dealing with the ex, holding back some of the emotions means making a calculated sacrifice. One I hope she never learns about. Sometimes swallowing your pride also means swallowing the pain that comes with that. Just wish my stomach weren’t so bloated from the constant digesting.
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “I’ve Become My Parents.”