Don’t ever touch my neck! Simple set of rules because I end up having some strange primitive reaction and will reflexively swing my arm in your general direction. I can’t help it, don’t know why. Some things in life are beyond explanation. There is a fear that I have been trying desperately to understand and overcome, having someone there one day and not the next. It’s a fact of life that things change and sometimes violently without warning or someone to explain it to me.
When I was a teenager and Patre got sick, I could use the fact I was young and naive about what was going on around me. Even when you’re in the room and see life slipping away, doctors doing their best to walk you through what was happening; I wasn’t prepared for that phone call. Even after it came, I at there in such shock I had to call back and ask her mother to repeat what she had just told me 30 minutes before. Sitting there alone in the house was one of the worst feelings I have ever known, even to this day it sends a wave of pain when I think about it.
The same thing happened with my daughter. There I was waiting for a good time, a nice evening with her and her mother but that was ripped away in the form of another phone call. Always the damn phone letting me know that my world is going to be radically different when the sun comes up the next morning. Assuming I went to sleep at all that night.
Knowing all of this. Having spend time listening to me explain how I fear this change, something that hits so personally, so deeply; having the ex use that against me took away the level of trust I had in people. Being there one day, asking me if I sit wanted to take care of her? [ I know this was her mother working on her about the money issues I had been having. Telling her that she should just walk away.] Then sending a stupid text message, again the phone telling me the world was going to change in ways I hadn’t a chance of combating? I just hate that feeling.
Life is as full of losses as it is situations that one would consider a “win”. People come and go for a variety of reasons, some under our control and others sneak up and surprise us. My greatest fear, one that I wish I could control, find a way to overcome, would be that I no longer allow someone to get even partially close. In the past year I haven’t spoken to so many people because I worry about them not being there the next day. My heart just can’t take that emotional hit anymore.
That fear was used against me in a way that I should be angry about, but I can’t be. Unfortunately that fear is so overwhelming that it blocks out what others would call a natural response, maybe even a healthy response. Rather than let anger enter, I went the other direction and swallowed it. My continued position being that I would still over the ex help if she needed it.
At this point in my life, having just left the hospital and trying to figure out the next step in my own evolution, there are some concerns that I don’t want to have turned into new fears. Even with the best medical assistance I could receive, the tumor is still there, deciding that it wants to remain a squatter. Even when we threaten to burn the building down, it’s one stubborn little thing. Dodging and weaving a knife like a kid at recess playing dodgeball.
It hurt then much like it still does knowing that the one thing that could be used against me was be someone I loved more than anything. Trust in everyone else becomes so hard afterwards, that regressing into oneself is sometimes the unfortunate result. At least in my case I regressed. That’s the part that does piss me off. More time with the niece and Kathy is great, but not when I gave up my house and life in order to run to it, since I was running from something that hurt and brought out that fear.
Today’s prompt is just hard to write about. I acknowledge that fear, try my best to deal with it, but it wins more than I would like it to.
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Phobia, Shmobia.”