I Should Have Passed

If you are looking for one of the worst songs to play for someone “Without You” by Harry Nilsson would have to rank up there as my number 1.  I’d say with a bullet, but damn reading the lyrics only makes someone want to use that bullet for something else.  A song about not being able to live without someone?  Wow, I’m living that nightmare when I allow my brain to settle in that space and let it occupy my mind for periods of time.  Sure you could look at it as a person who doesn’t know how to move forward with their life, and grief is taking over.  Loss of love or passion, maybe just the friendship that went with the relationship.

Damn I really wish I hadn’t looked it up, because it’s going to take over for a few hours.  Hours when I should be working on something else.  Does this reflect my personality?  I’ve been doing everything I can to stop treading water and find a way to swim with the current until I can reach the shore.  There’s an image!

When I get into that space, it scares the hell out of me.  That odd feeling where my body is just twitching enough to make me feel like I’ve been drinking high doses of espresso and nothing else.  Every person knows that place, where you want to run as fast as your feet can carry you away from that ghost.  There was a time when getting on the treadmill would have knocked that out for a hour or so, but life has removed that option.

I’m sorry for the downer, but I guess when you start reading –

I can’t live if living is without you
I can’t live, I can’t give anymore
I can’t live if living is without you
I can’t give, I can’t give anymore

I used to joke with the ex about having my own personal Bastille Day referring to a girl I was dating in college.  We tried to be friends, but it sometimes isn’t a good idea.  I could make that joke because it had brought me to the point where I could love someone again.  Several years of not dating, just school and work had been interrupted by someone I thought to be amazing.  10 years later, I’m wondering how to shelve those feelings permanently without betraying the fact she also supplied me with a daughter who I loved every moment of her life.  That’s what has been the hardest thing, not my health, not work or anything else; but was the ex doing okay.  Still protecting someone is hard when you know they will never know.

So time to stop writing, I’m pretty upset and need to go deal with that.  I’m going to go call someone and see if they will come sit with me.  I need to escape this space!

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Your Number One.”

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