I’ll Stick with Now

We’re trying to once again trap lightening in a bottle, it doesn’t work that way.  Every time you go back to some event it changes because you’ve changed.  The little mistake that you want to correct, it lessened the experience.  Heisenberg and his Uncertainty Theory or for the less inclined, The Butterfly Effect.  I can look back on certain things in my life and know that when taken as isolated incidents, they were some of the best of times.  But I also know that there are points of my childhood, like every other person, that you just don’t recall as well.  Some schoolyard fight, a period in time when mom and dad where just not getting along for some reason; we gloss over many of those times.

Ask any person who is suffering from any type of illness and they are going to want to go back to the day right before they were informed of it.  When ignorance of what laid ahead made the world a much better place.  Some people come out of it and find a new purpose in life, dedication to something different than what laid before.  The difference of what laid ahead.

My world has been pursuing the probability of one event happening and more to the point when that event might occur.  It’s bad enough I know all about the math that comes together to make these projections, add in that I have spent 9 years doing work for a company that asks me to create some of the very formulas that are used by the doctor, lawyers, accountants, insurance companies to determine risk.  Right now someone is looking at a file of mine and trying to determine if my next medical treatment is a worthy risk.

Do I want to be a child forever, no.  Not even an adolescent!  Been there, done that, picked up the knowledge that goes with all of those things.  Would I like a little more time in certain events, time to savor the people and the emotions; hell yes!  But as an adult I know I have been able to take that personal history and be able to identify those life events that I should be clinging to.

Watching my niece start her first day of high school.  Seeing the silly effort put forward in trying to pick out the right clothes, the right hair style, all the while me laughing about how she will never remember any of this a month from now.

Doing the Facetime thing with my nephew so I could see what new backpack he got for his first day of 1st Grade.  How proud he was that he picked his own clothes out.  (I guess there is something universal about the clothing thing?)  He just wanted to talk about the bus ride and his new teacher.

I adore children.  They bring a light into my world that I really need at this moment.  While I wish I cold run around on the playground with him, hearing my nephew talk about it is just as good.  It brings back memories.  Sitting on the phone hearing my niece talk about how some classmate went through a growth spurt over the summer, just as amusing.  During those times I relish my own past, and I don’t have to worry about my future for a while.  They don’t have to either.

Someone asked me a series of questions on Saturday.  Notes to determine exactly how much of my brain was firing correctly and remembering things in the right order.  A timeline of my life.  Some things popped right up, others took a moment to get to the detail they were hoping for; none of it fun.  I never thought I would reach a point where I envied my great-aunt when she was in the throws of dementia.  For her it was as if time stood still at age 19, still asking to call her mother and let her know she was running late for dinner.  My aunt never being upset with not recalling the things she knew, me included.

I can only answer for myself, which I believe is the purpose of this prompt, but I am content with being who I am right now.  Scars and all, pain and joy mixed in one big pot of personality.

But the one thing I wish I understood, why I’m still not angry about certain things?  That is the question worth exploring.  Oh well, this is a good one for the next therapy session!

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Golden Age.”

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3 thoughts on “I’ll Stick with Now

  1. My mother-in-law isn’t caught in the past like your aunt, but she’s caught in a very good place. She doesn’t remember most of the people and events in her life, but she seems perfectly content, which seems like a good way to grow old.

    Like

    • My aunt was hilarious about always wanting help to the bus so she could get cross town. She saw the nursing home like a cruise ship and she was ready to end her vacation. But I’m happy to here you Mother-in-Law has found her own safe place!

      Liked by 1 person

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