Five Minutes of Honesty

I needed last week more than anything anyone could ever understand.  Actually plenty of people could understand, for five days I kept my head held high and lived my life.  The cancer didn’t matter, the pain of other things didn’t enter the world I was creating, nothing hurt me because I made sure to steer clear of anything that could possibly be an issue.  Even my office found a way to help me with my fantasy of a trouble-free world.  When you know something is coming you want to have every possibility to have positive thoughts, good memories, and just be normal in every way.  That came to a screeching halt on Monday…

The word I would ban, hurt.  It’s something I have tried to avoid doing to the people around me.  If I were completely honest about how I feel, I hurt in ways I don’t like and don’t handle well in my lonely hours.  But something I have been steadfast in protecting someone from has hit a point where nothing I do will stop what will happen.  All of the phone calls, involving people who tried to sideline the issue, have amounted to me having to make a choice.  Either I lose or someone else loses.  For two years I have been taking the loses and absorbing them, I can’t anymore.

Those secrets I protected, they are coming home with a vengeance.  But at the same time I’m going to end up knowing information that might change everything about how I feel.  See, when those other people get their answers, they will be required to tell me.  Even if they don’t want to, they’ll have no choice.  A little hurt for them since nothing positive comes from these situations.  My father once said this – “Investigators for the government have no humor about their jobs!”  He said this to someone who didn’t take the hint, let us fix something before it gets out-of-hand.  Welcome to the Cliff!!

Here is where my problem resides.  The doctors have told me that work will become increasingly difficult, not the mental aspects but having to meet with people.  I would need to create a very fluid world where I might not show for something.  That’s not fair to lots of people.  If I left my job completely, there would be no need for anything that follows.  No people poking around, nothing sitting in a manila envelop waiting for my signature acknowledging the findings.  The secrets remain just that, secret.

I don’t know what to do.  Betray my future for the sake of someone else’s?  Hey that word “hurt” has come back into the conversation!  I’m willing to die knowing that I did everything possible to protect the ex.  Stupid thought, her family had no issue hanging me out to dry over something much less serious.  My family made the choice to protect her years ago, we still have protected her from things, but should we be doing that anymore?

Having my good name restored is important to me.  I’ve worked hard for 25 years to get where I am.  My friends, family, co-workers have also worked hard to help me get here.  I can’t betray that, lessen all their sacrifice, hurt their feelings over this topic.  My boss tried to handle all of this quietly, but when the other person doesn’t reply; his hands became tied.  He has a job to do as well.

The humor in this. I would have asked her about how to deal with this situation.  I relied on her compassion to help me make the right decision.  I can write down how I feel, but looking someone in the eyes and telling them, I still have problems with that.  My mother refers to me as “Mr. Spock”, I feel the emotions deeply but keep them buried.  Spock at least has some ceremony where he could let it out (nerd alert!).

Well, is it wrong to hope that my cancer becomes more aggressive?  I don’t want to deal with the other pain, that one I can take something for!

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “No, Thank You.”


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