Some conversations are just too hard for people to have. They elephant is in the room, they can see it sitting there waiting to be acknowledged; but there aren’t words to express what you are thinking. Well, there are words but hearing them can be scary for everyone involved.
When the doctors told me that this lovely lesion in my head was continuing to press down and they weren’t sure it was a good idea to go back in for any reason, I freaked out. My hands were shaking and I just starting laughing. My humor was so inappropriate that they thought it was a side-effect and not me just laughing about the futility of our situation. Really, my situation but they are along for the ride as well!
It was one of those times I was grateful my mother was not in the room but I needed her all the same. My brother has known that something has changed recently when he came to visit. I was walking from the family room to the kitchen, maybe 20 feet, and I had to stop part way through and place my hands on my knees with me head dangling in space. I couldn’t see for a minute and thought I should just stop where I was. We both blew it off as my old man knee giving way for a second, but we also both knew it was a lie.
There is a foundation that works with people in the Boston area that helps them deal with the progressive nature of getting your life in order. I keep letting them go to voicemail. I am trying to fight this with whatever tools people place in front of me and giving into that offer of assistance feels like I am accepting another defeat. Too many of those and I’m not one to lay down and let the world walk over me. (ask the ex, my need to sit down and straighten out her mother’s interference was a huge factor in our estrangement!)
This is where is gets hard for me. I wasn’t taught how to let people help, I was taught that I should always help other people. And that entire episode with the ex’s parents and the money has made me dig deeper into my trench. It is hard to explain that I care about my friends so much that I don’t want them in any pain over this and so I don’t contact any of them. At some point my mother will call and just tell them it’s over. Silly? Probably, I just don’t know what to do.
My wall has grown so high and thick that the Chinese are watching via satellite and wondering if they should be worried! See humor, it’s there somewhere!
So what do I do? Continue with the game plan of just hoping people know there is an end game but that is off in the future or sit my family down and say “Hey, the shit really has hit the fan”? Neither of those are good ideas, somewhere between avoidance and torture!
Sorry for the dark, but it’s time I start to face certain realities and make better plans for them.