Breaking the Forth Wall, a fantasy we all have had at some point while watching a movie. What would it feel like to be the hero of that gunfight, swooping in at the last moment to rescue the damsel in distress? Maybe feeling weightless as you float around the expanses of space? Or there is the possibility that you just want to be in some family drama that ends with everyone sitting around the table at the end of it all, smiling and knowing that you made it through because of each other [or in spite of each other?]
Depending on the day I experience so many emotions that I can’t tell if I’m George C. Scott in 12 Angry Men or if I am Harrison Ford in Regarding Henry. Two very different characters, expressing opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. George railing against his own bigotry and self-loathing, trying to make the world see things his way. Harrison a victim of something out of his control and fighting to find a way back to the person he once was. Both are great studies in developing characters.
George is the guy who lives just beneath the surface. I only have negative feelings about one person and even then I feel extremely guilty for having them at all. Reality says I shouldn’t care, that part of my life is history. Focus on now and let the past be the past. The only issue is that dealing with the present means putting the past in it’s proper place. Acknowledging my role, moving forward in some tiny way. Learning to fight the battles that I can possibly win, or at least the battles that mean something to me; it means knowing when to just walk away.
Harrison was thrust into a world were one person’s violent act changed him forever. No longer able to do anything he wanted at a moments notice, he needed people to help him achieve his new goals. That’s where I’m trying to be right now. There are things I just can’t do, no matter how hard I try; they are going to fail. If I were completely honest about my outlook, it’s not great. The doctor’s have given me a timeline to work within and that makes other things harder to accept. I’ve laid out a plan with people for when the inevitable occurs. Sure it’s taken me hours to write things because my hands shake holding a pen. But I want people to have something meaningful, personal not just something I typed.
I’ve not entered anything into my blog for days because I just have such a hard time keeping thoughts straight. The amount of red highlights from spelling errors is amusing to me. Some former students of mine would likely want to have their revenge. I know this is supposed to be about my favorite movie, but both end with the guy getting the girl and saving themselves. Not really my life at the moment, so even under the best of considerations it would be hard to write about those things.
Last week I was proud because I finally fixed something important. Something that took time and I can hold my head up for having accomplished it. This week has just been harder. You get that, life is hard. Both George and Harrison [wow I just saw the Beatles reference in my own writing!], they fought for life. I’m trying to do the same. Just like everyone else, just my calendar is a little shorter.
At least I have an idea for tomorrow’s posting. I can start now and hopefully have something good by then. Go hug your spouse, child, dog/cat/goldfish? And thank you for reading, writing your own things. Just being!
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Fourth Wall.”