When It’s Worth It!

How to describe that ominous feeling you have, right before you open your eyes and are absolutely certain there is another person in the room with you. Maybe you heard the chair move a little bit and that’s what brought you out of your evenings rest?  Was it a sneeze or some other sound that just couldn’t be hidden?  Saturday morning was that skin crawling feeling until I was able to focus on the world around me and not just the blurry edges from the sleeping pills.

My stalker, all 5 foot 5 inches of her was sitting in the chair reading a book.  I couldn’t tell you what it was since even she has a Kindle loaded with material.  But there she sat with her Sprite and a bagel, not the average breakfast but I give her credit for picking something up.  She had no real way of knowing when I would wake up!

Susie had done another one of those routines where she tells her grandmother one thing and then jumps on the “T” to come in a visit with me.  The conversations have been slower since I’m still stumbling for word choices, but she more than makes up for the silences.  She’s even learned to accept that sometimes the silences are all we need.  But what to do about this new level of rebellion she is developed.

My daughter never got to this point so my understanding has always been limited to the ex’s nieces.  And they would listen if you dangled food in front of them, otherwise it was a little bit of a will they/ won’t they situation.  Her family and I have learned to give her some slack, to try to let her grow at her own pace.  Her father remembers when I used to let him do silly things when I would take him out; so he knows very well I have limits but will let you push them as far as I think safe.  Riding public transport isn’t something I call dangerous, not telling people where you are going when you’re 14 is a little more of an issue.

From the bag sitting on the floor, Susie pulls a cranberry muffin someone made for her to bring along.  It smells wonderful, but it will get picked at for the rest of the day.  Even when she brought me chocolate, forgetting I’m allergic to the stuff, I still made a little bit of a show.  This, more than anything else is what is hard about how my medical situations have been unfolding.

Right now she is making a sacrifice is more ways than she knows.  She’s going to end up being grounded for some period of time, but I know it will end quickly because her family understands.  I did the same thing year ago when Patre was sick.  15 and driving the car when I absolutely shouldn’t have been.  My parents gave me the lecture, but no real punishment.  They tried to put themselves in my place.

I’m not even sure what I would have told my kid in this situation.  She did something that plenty of adults aren’t capable of doing.  Not the getting on the subway part, but choosing to put someone else ahead of them knowing that the consequences could be uncomfortable.  We try to teach them that at a young age, to put others first, but we seldom act upon it.

I send off a text when someone wasn’t in the room just to say she was safe and with me.  The reply was almost amusing, “We know, the tracker on her phone got activated when we didn’t believe she was just going to visit a friend.  Too early on weekend for that!”

There are some things I want her to know, and this is my way of showing her when the words fail me.  For two days I have written this since my hands shake while I type and that isn’t something even spell checker can correct.

Susie – You’ve made some of this more tolerable than you will ever hopefully understand.  It’s hard looking at you, sometimes wishing you were another person.  I can’t help it.  Your dad tells me I did the right things with him growing up, helped him become the person he is today.  I wish I was going to be able to see that person you will eventually become.  Your family gives me too much credit for being a good guy, there are times when I’m not.  There will come a time when you learn that as well, take it easy on me.  Be proud of who you are, what you can do and what you want to be in life.  There’s no shame in failing, only not trying.  Love you, Uncle Lary!

Sorry for the personal message in the middle of all of this, but sometimes those things need to come out in the daylight for all to see.

I think I need to go rest for a little bit.  Hopefully I can get back to writing daily and reading the things others post as well.  Not enough hours in the day to get it all in and I’d rather sacrifice my time to a teenager at this point.

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