Okay, so this weeks series of prompts have led me down a path that has just been dark. Part of me knows that maybe the universe is giving me time and space to write some things down before I forget them. The other part of me wonders if someone is trying to tell me that by expressing the ugly thoughts, I’m going to get through the rest of the day, week, how ever long without wanting to pick something up and hit my head with it. I know there are good people around me but none that I would call me bestie!
When I left for the medical stuff I knew I most likely wasn’t ever coming back. I made arrangements with the various people who will eventually be in charge of liquidating my stuff. Wrote down a long list of things that I wanted given to people which sits with the lawyers. And generally acknowledged that my house was no longer my home. Just an address for some forms and money spent on a mortgage and taxes. Why not get rid of it? Those same taxes are better after the will has been probated!
There are some people whose voices I miss dearly. People who tried to help after my daughter passed. People who I know care, but just can’t be around. It’s the last thing I can do for them from my perspective, just allow that they are going to get a phone call some day from my family saying I’m just not around anymore. No big built-up and no big send-offs.
It’s hard to write, it’s so damn hard to write about knowing that the cancer is an issue. I was making progress in dealing with the daughter issue, some in dealing with the ex walking out issue. But I don’t know how to allow someone to be there for this part of my life. I’m going to make polite friendships born from some stay in the hospital, but they are in the same boat as me. That brochure about hospice care and planning ahead so that when the day comes no one is scrambling for help, and that I get a say. Hey that’s lots of fun for a dinner conversation!
So no, I don’t have a best friend anymore. They both left last year for different reasons, equally painful. I did however get this constant companion in the form of a terminal disease. Sorry, I don’t know how else to write that. This blog is about helping me and maybe someone who reads it through some serious stuff. Hopefully next week will start a series about asking how you learned to ride a bike?
On a positive note, I was able to peel a banana all on my own! No cutting it slightly for me, that sounds stupid but fine motor control and I aren’t friends either these days. Thank God for spell checker.
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Born to Be With You.”