I’ve thought about creating a website for a simple cause, one that is at all times around me. Doing it would be a completely selfish act aimed at only benefiting one person. Me. My cause right now needs to be finding some firm footing for me to stand on. To accept the way life is unfolding around me and how I am dealing with it. In some ways this blog is just that, a daily reminder to myself that I really do need help.
It’s easy to write about the depression and all of the causes for it. Writing about cancer is sometimes a task that helps me see things in a way that ideas rolling around my head are forced to the surface. The hardest thing to deal with is the anger I feel about a few things. I don’t deal with it at all. It’s such a destructive force that if I can’t find a way to let it out I’m going to hurt myself in ways that aren’t pleasant.
For a brief moment I got angry, not with a person but with the way life seemingly was stepping on my throat. I didn’t mean to be nasty in my email, there were no accusations just a reminder that I needed to make some changes. Changes that will require me to for a few moments be that nasty guy I fear. The friends I have opted to stay with while running away from home know how I can be. They are just as willing to kick me in the ass as they are willing to hold my hand while listening to what some oncologist has to offer. My cause needing to be getting Lary back to a point where he isn’t afraid to handle the world in the way it needs to be. I don’t want anyone hurt and I think my mere presence brings that about.
The guy in the mirror isn’t me, he hasn’t been around for months. I’m scared of that person. He’s hurt, lost, so afraid that if I could dig a deeper hole to pop up from I would grab the closest shovel and get to work. The depression was so bad the other day I almost wrote in some fake account on Reddit about a guy who just needed someone to send him some words of encouragement.
My brain works in a funny way, I know what is going on around me. I can feel the depression tapping me on the shoulder and I know when I need to do something about it. But I just don’t know what that is anymore. My telethon would be me sitting behind a piano bench staring blankly at the keys hoping that I can find some moment of enjoyment in playing. Imagine that, just some skinny guy sitting there not knowing how to move forward. The cameras moving quickly to the empty audience, confusing the director as to what to do.
I don’t know what can be done anymore. I gave up on myself so long ago I joked with a doctor about why were we trying to fix me. Scared to open an email from someone, check. Scared to tell my “friends” that I truly need them, but so afraid to hear them say “Maybe some other time…” Oh screw it,
Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity to find a solution. But it also is another day where I could just as easily wake up and be so upset that my day is over before I even put my feet on the floor. I could really use a win, any win…
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Blogger With a Cause.”