In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Karma Chameleon.”
Did you know how many add-on’s you can download for Microsoft Office? I mean, besides spreadsheets and weird templates to writing a resume or letter toe resign your job, hundreds of thousands. But the one I recently added was so that I would be careful about the things I said to people in an email. It’s like those drunk texting apps for your phone, nothing sent during certain hours so that you don’t get a call from your mother asking “Why did you want to hook-up with me at 2:35 a.m.?”
I created a list of people that no matter the situation, my emails to them would be quarantined at a minimum of 24 hours. In some cases locked away until I entered a separate passcode to get them on their way. Why would I do something like that? It’s simple, right now my brain is so wrapped up in talking to some people in my life that I know I shouldn’t talk to those people at all.
I’ve learned that some people just can’t deal with life the way it is presented. Take a few very nasty life turns, all happening in the course of a year and people run. Some run so far you can’t tell if they are even still around unless you gain the courage to look on Facebook and see their latest entry. How does this relate to karma? That is the topic of the prompt in case you think I forgot.
That’s the confusing part for me. I don’t want to see some divine retribution visited on a single person. Not my ex’s mother who blames me for everything, not the lady who told me that I must have done something pretty awful for God to forget me, and certainly not the people who have forgotten to even ask if I’m okay. They didn’t ask when my daughter died, they didn’t ask when Whitney left, they haven’t so much as sent a card saying they hope the chemo is going well. I’ve gotten better support from an individual who reads this than people I have know for years! And that might seem angry, but it’s just lashing out from the hurt. Thus the email delay…
But how am I dealing with that? I sat in a group and told people that maybe other’s just don’t know what to say, how to respond. I joke about teenagers being assholes, but I give adults a wide birth when it comes to the destructive things they do. Let’s be clear, it hurts like a bitch not hearing from some people. Especially when I have gone out of my way over the years to fulfill my sense of duty to being a friend. Maybe people really do suck?
Maybe I’m experiencing the karma affect right now. All those times when I could have just sat Whitney down and talked about the money concerns, not just told her I was working on it. I was, but just not fast enough for her family to be satisfied. Maybe this is about the time I told my parents I was at work and had instead driven 300 miles away to visit a friend for the weekend? Is the universe finally getting even with me for something 30 years ago that still haunts me as if it were yesterday?
Karma happens to people in small ways every day, not just big episodes. Those lost conversations, missed friends, opportunities squandered because pride or something else got in the way.
So my outbox looks like a minefield of broken emotions. Letters that can’t be sent because they only serve one purpose, to expose my pain. People don’t deal with pain, they run from it. Just like if I were able, I’d be running the National Mall right now watching the tourists clamber for a spot a the Smithsonian. My feet pounding into the dirt and sand propelling me as fast as I can go. Trying to outrun what seems like fate, but is more likely just raw emotions.