In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “We Built This City.”
Having run a semi-successful mayoral campaign, surviving the constant questions about the pictures they found from college of me riding the dolphin statue; the first thing on my agenda is to sit down with the city planner. Most people would want to work on a budget, but my burg of less than 10,000 inhabitants have other concerns. The most we spend our money on is paying other cities to provide every service needed. So we are going to work on traffic.
Every summer the town is shut down at the same intersection, Crownsville Road and General’s Highway. People coming from all over to experience the joy of stuffing their faces with roasted turkey legs and fried Mac & Cheese at the Renaissance Festival. We also have a defunct Mental Hospital taking up space that we consider selling every few years to raise funds to again provide income to our neighbors. And for those people who know where to look, a nudist colony just across the street from a Elk’s Camp for children. The metal fence woven with wooden rungs hiding the bits and pieces from the young minds playing soccer across the intersection.
But as we sit looking at the map, the reality of it all hits us. Do we buy the surrounding homes? Claiming Eminent Domain and undervaluing the parcels just to save a few dollars. No that just look nasty! I ran on a platform of no government, not even someone to answer the phone to tell you there was no one to take your call. So now it’s about finding a better route.
You could always move the festival? No they spent so much building the structures that sit unused for 10 months out of the year.
Could we get the state to put an off ramp from the highway that runs right by the festival? That would be great, but it would take longer to do the study about traffic flow than I will be in office. Eventually someone is going to find those pictures of me playing basketball without a shirt from High School. Oh the scandal that will follow! Anyhow, the ramp idea will cost years of our budget. We’ve gotten rid of everyone, maybe we can get rid of the phone line as well? That would finally send the right message, no one hear to listen so stop calling. Okay, we decide to disconnect the phone!
Still lost on the bad traffic flow, we could make people park someplace else and force them to bus them in. I’m too young to recall people being bused into other locations to attend school, but the idea still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But the idea of all those people walking step by step down those stairs, or even better them trying to climb the three steps with that turkey leg in hand makes me laugh.
How much have we spent on police? Well, we get them from a surrounding area. Maybe the nudists will come out and wave the flags? Wait, that would possibly increase the traffic flow and then I get run out of office for not being “Family friendly”! Well, they obviously haven’t seen the picture of my brother and I in the tub from when we were 4 years old! Oh great, child porn charges! My time in office is getting narrower. Why is my mother continuing to post things to Facebook? I’d unfriend her, but that would make Sunday dinners strange.
I guess the solution to my vexing issue is to just let things remain the same. Great, my platform of change is to give up! From the corner walks one of my constituents ambles over, his apron covered in coffee grinds and shattered hopes of finishing his novel. “Mister Mayor, we need to close now.”
“Can we get five more minutes?”
“Okay, but I really think you should be doing this is your office!” My new boss not knowing we closed the building one the way over.
Wondering what we should do tomorrow, I collect my notebook and head off to the car remembering to take my receipt. This is a tax write-off, correct?
Passing my newly closed office, the crowds gathering as word has spread about me having fired the entire workforce. All 5 of them! My time in office is going to be short, the signs being held by the protesting group showing a picture of me dressed like a Kangaroo and questioning if I’m an American Citizen. Damn mom, stop with the Facebook postings! It was just a kid’s play, but now I’m either a furry, or fuzzy, or some other group of role-playing.
Tomorrow I shall deliver my resignation speech. I’ve accomplished everything on my list.