I Can’t Fix It, And It Hurts…

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “I Have Confidence in Me.”

Hemingway talked about not needing to be the best person in the room, but the need to be a better person then he was the day before. That’s important, knowing that something can be done differently and still have a positive outcome. With hindsight also comes clarity, sometimes the ability to pick a point in time when things went completely sideways in such a manner that it affected the future. We call it “The Butterfly Effect”.

Somewhere a butterfly flaps its wings and causes a huge storm on the other side pf the planet. Other times you pull friends into a situation that is unsolvable and the results are horrible. People no longer talking, no longer able to be in the room, losing everything that made you run faster than your brain thought seeking their advice, intervention, safety.

When left to my own, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Sometimes I used to tell Whitney that I had to do something for work I wasn’t proud of, but it was the only solution. My greatest weakness is that I don’t want to hurt people, so I hurt myself. Not running around cutting or some other distasteful notion of harm, but the scars in my mind, my emotions have left me incapable of asking for help. When I needed help, I turned to people I loved, trusted; it was used against me. It got to a point where talking might have solved something, but was non longer an option.

I got angry, used my words to describe actions I never would have let happen. It was my frustration with the situation being taken out of my hands, my participation removed for no other reason than avoiding having a conversation. I hate what it did, to me, to Whitney, to our relationship, to the people around us who right now I so desperately need in my life.

In trying to protect everyone, I ended up losing everything.

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