In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Getting Seasonal.”
Even as I am writing this, waiting for some doctor to tell me it’s okay to go home, I can hear the sounds of holiday music in the background. Someone shortly will be in to take my vitals and I promise that my blood pressure will be elevated just from Bing Crosby alone. It’s not that I dislike Bing, unless you believe he was less than an ideal parent, but his voice right now is the last thing I want to hear. If I had thought about it, I would have brought my headphones with me. They’re back in my hospital room, you can’t carry too many things with you to x-ray! So “White Christmas” is my current reminder of what next week brings.
My mind is doing its best to protect itself from the memories or the fantasies that are being tossed around. Most days I can control those thoughts, but with each song, advertisement for a children’s toy, or commercial for jewelry for you significant other; I am reminder of how much I long for a world that is the polar opposite of the one I am experiencing.
This would have been my daughter’s First Christmas with all of the ornaments, onesies, and other announcements that parents make to the world. Reminders to everyone with a set of eyes that indeed no matter what you say or do this holiday season, we’re celebrating this new life as much as anything else. For me it will be about the gift under the tree that will remain unopened. A simple box that I actually took the time to wrap in a perfect little bow [I’m sure many of you have had presents from guys who look like they wrapped it with their feet, that’s usually me!]. The contents need only be known to me and hopefully the spirit of my child.
My mother told me the other day that she is going to be doing monthly donations to our local hospital. She could have gone the easy route of just sending money, but in her case she is going to do something much more personal for each child who is in need. In her retirement the amount of quilts and afghans she has produced expanded significantly. It’s her intention to ensure that as many children as she can reach get one of these blankets to keep them warm and safe. She knows it’s an undertaking, but one she need to do for herself. It was tear inducing to hear her talk about wanting to do something for her Granddaughter.
It’s also the first time in over a decade I haven’t had Whitney around. But as with many “firsts” this is another one that stings. And much like my daughter, there is another simple box with something for her. Only this one won’t be under the tree, it can remain in the closet so as to not be a reminder to others in my family of how open a wound that might be for me. For her I can only hope she has a peaceful holiday vacation filled with some joy.
For plenty of reasons I would like to skip ahead. Know what the world is going to be like in 3 months, 6 months from today. My greedy side wanting to be through with anything the doctors are doing to me. There has always been a part of me that has disliked the holidays, just this year I have more personal reasons to add to the mix!