Dear Precious Bug,
In a perfect world this would have been your first Christmas and you’re not being here makes it empty this year. Laying there on your blanket, the dog staring at you, an ever-present guardian and sometimes jealous sibling. The sound of the model train placed under the tree, moving in circles drawing your attention. Maybe it would be the lights dancing around in uncertain patterns, blinking one moment and out the next. A simple pile of boxes in the corner because we didn’t need to worry about you snooping this year, but definitely next!
The sounds of holiday songs being played over the radio as we danced around making goofy sounds. Holding your tiny hands in mine, the screams of joy pouring from your mouth. Dressed in a little red jumper with reindeer on it that some aunt had sent in the mail, cookies I had made during some point when your mother and I weren’t trying so hard to keep it together. Would you like the 1950 claymation that is played on the television? Or like your father when he watched Land of the Lost as a child, scream for something different? Would you sway to the sounds of someone singing classics like your mother?
As I see the endless ads telling me what I should get you for Christmas, I have my heart set on getting you this treasure chest I saw in a book on “Daddy Projects”! You wouldn’t have even been able to lift the lid, but I would have spent all Fall in the basement cutting and sanding, staining and praying that when you were older you would know how much I thought of you as my treasure.
So many things I wanted for you this past year. Know this, there will be a place for you at the table. There will be some present given to another child in your name, who can’t take your place in my heart, but deserves her own chance. I’m going to do my best to get through this holiday season for you, I know you don’t want Daddy sad. Please watch over your mother, let her know she was a great mother if only for a short time. Protect her wherever she is…
I will always love you Bug!