Every day I walk the same parking lot to my office. I see basically the same collection of faces, begrudgingly headed off to perform some task they can’t explain or just don’t want to. Their faces a mask of emotion, yet we all wave and give half smiles as we cross the door’s threshold. Besides their names, I really don’t know anything about them. Do they have families? The limp that young lady is trying to conceal, does she run or is it from something darker, a little more personal?
My mask had been the one that covers the deep depression I have been experiencing. From previous blog postings people would know that my personal life has upended itself in a spectacular fashion. Going from having everything I ever wanted to losing it all in months, it takes a toll. Makes you a shell of your former self. A ghost walking among the crowd. Probably not the only one.
Depression is hard for people to deal with. It’s hard for those around them to understand. They want to take over, show you how they want you to fix things. But are their priorities your’s? Most of the time not. Then you feel as if you have continued to fail because you can’t find a firm footing and the pressure from others, intentional or not, drowns you. Or in the reverse they take a step or two back. The distance becomes a chasm, so wide that no one realizes that just by putting your arms out you close the gap.
Over the weekend I tried in the simplest of fashion to do something for another. Nothing flashy, just a simple box left at the door hoping they felt better. It was a huge deal for me since I was afraid that I would be rebuked at the entrance. My intent to leave the box and go. I didn’t want to go inside, didn’t really want them to invite me. That’s the fun of depression, you can’t always do simple, your mind makes it so complex. In the end my gesture went unacknowledged. For in my mind the box was placed in the garbage, my efforts to make something for someone dismissed. I waited for just a simple “Thank You” nothing more, a simple acknowledgment. None came. More signs of being a ghost.
All around us, in every place we go there are people facing this emptiness inside that makes it hard for them to leave the house, shop for food, even get out of bed. It isn’t that they don’t want to, just sometimes they can’t!
There is a woman who sometimes likes to give hugs when she thinks others are down. Today she looked at me and gave a half-smile, a short wave, and continued on her task. I don’t know if it was the look of defeat that has kept my face sullen today, or if she is having her own crisis. I want to be the hugger today, but I can’t. Damn depression.
There No Time to Waste; but today, like too many others days, I don’t know how to handle my time.