Blinking Light – My voicemail nightmare

Bad Signal

“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you months ago. Bye.”

Those are the only words that can be made out from the 3:00 that the voicemail was allowed to record. What possibly could have come before that? I can see the caller i.d. information, but when I hit Return Call all I get is a busy signal. The message was from sometime in the night, I must have really been tired.  But why can’t I get back in touch.  Maybe someone has blocked me and I can no longer get in touch with them.  I could always try another number, but I could get the exact same result.  What’s going on?

Pacing the room, the panic growing to a point where my entire body is shaking, I’m staring at the phone paralyzed.  What the hell is going on?  My heart is pounding through my chest while I scramble to find a solution.  The voice was so broken up, the words barely recognizable.  But I was able to make out that last part?  What came before?

I started thinking back over the last few months.  All of the things that had gone wrong, all of the things that should never have happened.  It’s been months of emotional rollercoaster rides with nothing seemingly fixed.  The same discussion ending in the same manner, time after time.

I’ve been so guilt ridden for not being able to protect the people in my life that I love.  Maybe that’s what this is about.  Somehow a solution to my problem presented itself and I missed it.  So consumed with angst and fear ,a dark depression that I missed how to fix it.  Now there is no one picking up the phone, was this that call?

By now I’m trembling with the phone in my hand, a feeling I had experienced in months.  I need to talk to that voice, I need to know what they were trying to tell me, apologize for, info me of something.  I can forward the message to a friend and see if they can tell me if they recognize the voice.  About 10 minutes later the phone rings.  “Why would you send me a message of your own voice mumbled until the very end?  Where did this come from?  And most important are you alright?”

I’m confused, that was me on the message?  How could I not know the sound of my own voice.  I hear it all the time, but I guess I didn’t recognize it through the panic.

“Sorry, I didn’t know what was going on and the voice is so muddied I didn’t hear myself.”

“Don’t worry about it.  Most people don’t hear their own voices.  You wouldn’t have known.”  The call end with a promise to talk later.

I just had called myself when I meant to call Whitney.  I wanted to apologize for everything that had gone so wrong.  Wanted a chance to sit down and talk about things the way we used to.  But now I know why the phone was busy, I had called myself.

Putting the phone on the table, I just walk into the kitchen still shaken up, still confused how I didn’t know it was me.  Still feeling my heart racing.  I hope I can someday tell her…

{I have this voicemail that sits on my cell phone from a day before it all went sideways.  I’ve never listened to it, but let a friend.  They told me to hold on to it, someday it will have meaning.  Never been so conflicted.}

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