If I could save time in a bottle,
The first thing that I’d want to do…
I started off writing about my daughter’s first sonogram, then it become about the second sonogram where we found out the gender. Then I remembered the horror of losing her, the paralyzing numbness that still permeates my very being, I just want to speed up this moment.
Than I was trying to write about memories from my relationship. Holding hands walking somewhere. Or maybe about the time we spent sitting in a hotel room 20 miles from home and not even wanting to leave the room, so we ordered overpriced room service so we could sit in robes and towels on the floor and talk. Maybe it was the time I asked her to marry me and she teared up and said yes. So then my own tears and fears, anxiety over that still raw after less than two months since we broke up got me upset; time to speed up this moment.
There’ll will always be a part of me that wants to simultaneously slow down these memories and relive the wonderful experiences they were, but not now. Now they are only feelings I wish to speed past so that the accompanying hurt subsides. The notion that someday I might look back on these events and smile seems distant, it’ll come I know; but not right now. Time to speed things, get to the next good point in my life. Where I can build something good to cling to.
So while many things are worth slowing down, right now it’s all about getting through them. Getting past them.
Time to speed past this moment!