What might have been

Getting someone to talk to you is sometimes the hardest thing.  You can be supportive and only listen to what they have to say or you can ask leading questions in order to extract some notion of how they are feeling or doing.  There were times when I had to employ both techniques and it was never good afterwards.  Now I’m at a crossroads and can’t quite figure out what the best thing to do moving forward will be.

I could run around asking questions, involving people who are not connected to her in any way how to resolve the situations surrounding me.  I always felt there would come a time when we would be able to fully discuss the events from the day she miscarried the baby, but I always waited.  Waited until I thought she was in a good enough place to be able to be more forthcoming about what went on.  It’s not that I doubt her in any way, but there are things that my own doctor has said to me that make me question the timeline of events.  It was such a compressed schedule that no one has been comfortable telling me that it could have happened solely the way she described.

Which leads me to the horrible place, planted by my therapist, what if there was more to the miscarriage than I am aware.  What if it was in fact something that was medically induced and we are parsing the term miscarriage with abortion?  It would be a large leap to think she would lie to me, my family, the friends who knew about everything.  But it could also be that some people are protecting her and keeping me in the dark.  That it is easier for them to let me believe there was no malice.  From my point of view the grieving would have been the same.  I had no ability to change the outcome in either situation.  I fully support the right of some woman to chose her own path, but in this case I would like to have at least been made aware of the choice.  I wouldn’t have stopped her.  I might have tried to talk her out of it, but that could have created a place where she was trapped.  Not knowing how to proceed and resentful because she might not have wanted this child.

She would have made a wonderful mother.  Correction, she made a wonderful mother.  We took to calling her “The Bug” due to us reading about children being a parasite that saps the life from it’s host [her mother during pregnancy, both of us after that!!].  I knew she wasn’t happy because she didn’t know how life was going to unfold.  The issues between her parents and I were weighing on her.  Not knowing if she could do this weighed on her.  This child’s mother is one of the most capable people I know when she believes that she can do something.  Given just the smallest of windows she can show such amazing skill and talent.  This might sound like humble bragging, but she could outpace many people if just given the opportunity.  I still think she could be a great leader of people, even if she only wants to be really good at her job.  Accepted for her contributions, maybe told she is special once in a while.

That person wouldn’t have done a thing to hurt our child.  That is the person I hold onto in my mind, even now that she won’t speak with me.  I’ve sent her the link to this blog, but I doubt she has looked.  It’s painful for her to deal with so many losses in a row.  Lost child, lost relationship, loss of self in trying to swim out from under the doubts.  I only wish her well.

I now will continue my need for answers.  There are ways of learning what I need without involving her or friends, but it is a truly ugly way of going about things.  It will eventually place an even bigger chasm between us that might never be bridged.  I reached out to hopefully have that simple conversation, but it never happened.  Both our losses, both!

A year ago I was so happy I was bursting to tell everyone about this wonderful woman and the gift she was carrying.  Now I am mired in depression so vast it has encompassed what was left of my soul and I don’t talk to anyone.

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